As you will have gathered from the posts from the previous week or so, things have been a little bit emotional for me lately. I had planned to write this particular post (a continuation from The fun begins...) earlier in the week, but my emotions were a bit fraught and I decided to leave it until things settled down for me. I've had a few extra days to reflect on this particular part of my story and these reflections have been intensified by the fact that Carleen is out of town and this particular part of the story is about our relationship.
I hate being away from Carleen! We have been in a relationship for almost 23 years and we have lived together since we were married in September 1992 (18 years this year) and I find it incredibly difficult when we are apart. I don't know what I would do if I ever lost her. She's only been away for three days and already I am completely exhausted because I loath going to bed without her so I delay my bedtime for several hours just so I can go to sleep relatively quickly.
Part of me thinks that this response to Carleen's absence is related to that fateful day in August 2001 and in particular to the episode that I am about to recount. Sadly, my recollection of the details relating to the exact timing of events and the conversations that I had are a little fuzzy. The emotions, though, are as if they were happening right now...
21 August 2001, about 9:30am
"Carleen, Carleen... I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!", I sob, barely managing to get the words out. Carleen touches me and I momentarily feel safe and secure. What a huge sense of relief. Thank goodness, she is here! Then, BANG, I am overwhelmed with an uncontrollable panic. Suddenly this whole thing is not about me. What have I done!?! What have I done!?! I've shattered our dreams and destroyed Carleen's life. Our baby... what is this going to do to our baby? I might never be a part of his or her life. How can this be?
What if I am paralysed? What if Carleen has to care for me for the rest of my life? How could I have been so selfish to do this to her and why now when she is going to need me the most?
I grip Carleen's hand as tight as I can, I don't want to let her go! I never want to let her go! I want her to know how much I love her and how sorry I am for what has just happened, but there are no words to describe how deeply my love runs. Words are so meaningless when you are faced with the very real possibility that you are experiencing the last embrace with your true soul mate.
All the other people in the room have disappeared from my consciousness. It is just Carleen and I, and somehow the physical pain, while still very real, takes a back seat. My physical world is as big as Carleen's touch and my emotional world, the unbreakable bond between us. At once, this moment is both an eternity and fleeting moment in time, only broken by the gentle, but heart-wrenching, interruption from one of the medical staff to say that they really have to take me away now. I can't imagine how this makes Carleen feel. All I know is that my heart feels like it is being ripped from my chest. I am in despair. What if I never see her again? "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."
I know I have to go and I know I have to be brave. "I will see you soon", I try to say in a reassuring voice, but its quickly followed by "I'm so sorry" and any sense of reassurance disappears. The gurney starts to move and Carleen comes with me. This is a short journey but one that is so incredibly frightening and at the end of it I know I have to let go. I don't want to let go, please don't make me let go! Our hands drift apart and we have one last embrace. "I love you Carleen. I love you..."
I am now on the darkest and loneliest journey anyone can take. My world has gone. I am vulnerable, exposed and alone, and I finally truly admit to myself that this could be the end. A mask appears above my head and everything fades to black...
29 May 2010
Overwhelmed
I have been overwhelmed by the messages of support that I have received since my story ran on Sport Lately and in the Tri NZ Newsletter. Some of the messages have come from complete strangers and others from friends and family. Many of the messages have elicited a strong emotional response from me and all have added to my strength and resolve to continue training and to knock off Challenge Wanaka.
Its great to know that my story is having an impact and I hope that I can continue to deliver both in terms of my acheivements and in continuing to tell my story in a way that is engaging and interesting. I have so many posts written in my head already that I don't really know where to start. I promise to keep training hard and to keep the posts flowing.
Thanks for the overwhelmingly positive messages - they are incredibly motivating and are an inspiration to me!
Its great to know that my story is having an impact and I hope that I can continue to deliver both in terms of my acheivements and in continuing to tell my story in a way that is engaging and interesting. I have so many posts written in my head already that I don't really know where to start. I promise to keep training hard and to keep the posts flowing.
Thanks for the overwhelmingly positive messages - they are incredibly motivating and are an inspiration to me!
28 May 2010
What a glorious feelin'?!?!
It might be a glorious feeling singing in the rain, but I am not so sure that its that glorious when you are cycling in the rain. Persistent rain and low cloud all day (again!) had me totally undecided on whether I'd do my planned ride for the day in the garrage on my trainer or along Portobello Road. At 9:30 it was inside, by 10:30 it was outside, then inside again by 11:30 and then, after having purchased some new lights from the boys at the Cycle Surgery so that I could be seen, I finally decided to harden up and head out along the Peninsula.
Once again, I wasn't sure if this was bike training or training for the swim leg. I haven't been so wet in ages and the head wind coming back was driving the rain right into my face. Did I mention that it was only 5 degrees too?
Another to add drag up from the memory banks in January...
Once again, I wasn't sure if this was bike training or training for the swim leg. I haven't been so wet in ages and the head wind coming back was driving the rain right into my face. Did I mention that it was only 5 degrees too?
Another to add drag up from the memory banks in January...
27 May 2010
Rain, Hail and (not much) Shine
This week is going to be one of those training weeks that, when the going gets tough and I'm hurting like hell in the Challenge, I'll dredge up from the memory banks. I'll be using as motivation - 'if I trained through that, I can finish this damn race'.
On Tuesday I did my 8 x 400m at 5km pace in a torrential downpour. That day Dunedin received 77mm of rain and, while it wasn't terribly cold, I wasn't sure if I was training for the run or the swim.
This morning I was out on the bike with snow on the hills and a nasty southerly blasting through the city. It was all of about 3 degrees and about half way through my warm up (and I use that term 'warm' very liberally) for my hill workout it began to hail. Thankfully the roads did not get too slippery, but hail stones pelting my face weren't at all pleasant.
As if that wasn't enough, I went out again this afternoon in the freezing wind and punished myself with 50 second hill repeat runs at 90-95% effort. The lactic acid burned my quads after just 20-30 seconds and I had to grind out the last 20 odd seconds.
The things we do in pursuit of our goals!
On Tuesday I did my 8 x 400m at 5km pace in a torrential downpour. That day Dunedin received 77mm of rain and, while it wasn't terribly cold, I wasn't sure if I was training for the run or the swim.
This morning I was out on the bike with snow on the hills and a nasty southerly blasting through the city. It was all of about 3 degrees and about half way through my warm up (and I use that term 'warm' very liberally) for my hill workout it began to hail. Thankfully the roads did not get too slippery, but hail stones pelting my face weren't at all pleasant.
As if that wasn't enough, I went out again this afternoon in the freezing wind and punished myself with 50 second hill repeat runs at 90-95% effort. The lactic acid burned my quads after just 20-30 seconds and I had to grind out the last 20 odd seconds.
The things we do in pursuit of our goals!
Sport Lately radio interview
For those of you who missed my first interview on Sport Lately (25/05/2010), here it is.
Thanks to Gracie Productions for allowing me to post it here.
Thanks to Gracie Productions for allowing me to post it here.
25 May 2010
Five Minutes of Fame
Tonight I was interviewed by Mark Watson of Sport Lately on Radio Sport. (Radio Sport is my favourite radio station. You see, deep down I am a sports junkie. So much so that I have resisted getting Sky Television as I know I'd watch a game of tiddly winks if it was on.) I had emailled a link to my blog and brief outline of my story to Andrew Dewhurst (the show's co-presenter and producer of another show - the High Performance Hour) as I knew the High Performance Hour had a 'Things We Like' section I thought they might give this blog a plug. Andrew liked it enough to ask me to put together a brief story for the TriNZ newsletter and he passed that story on to Mark.
When I got the call from Mark this afternoon, I got a bit of a shock as I hadn't expected it to go beyond the newsletter. I got even more of a shock when I heard Mark's intro at the top of the show. He described my story of one of courage and determination (and I guess it is), but for some reason it stirred something deep inside me and emotions started to bubble away - a lot of pride, a little bit of fear (of letting people down now that I was beginning to create expectations), some sadness (as I reflected on my accident) and even a bit of vanity that someone had considered me worthy of such praise. My breath shortened and a few tears welled up, but I left the room to gather my thoughts and calm my emotions.
The interview went well and I was blown away with the way in which Mark portrayed my story. When he announced at the end of the interview that they are going to check up on me every three months and that the nation would be following me through my training, I began to lose it. I managed to get out a genuinely heartfelt thanks on air and then, when the producer thanked me off air, I could feel bubbling emotions heading to the surface. I could hear my mobile phone recieving several texts from many of those who read my blog.
As I entered the living room the rest of the Mark's story was still being broadcast. Carleen tells me to hush as Mark reads the first paragraph of the story I had sent to Andrew and then I hear him say people like me are "the true heroes of New Zealand sport" and I become a blubering mess. I can't tell you exactly why, I really don't know. I wasn't sad and I wasn't happy, perhaps it was just a realisation of exactly what I have set out to do and what it means to me and to the people around me. Carleen embraced me and I was instantly calmer and then came the inevitable phone call from my parents. I answered, but could not speak. Eventually I controlled my emotions and Mum and I spoke for a few minutes about how proud Mum and Dad are of me.
Who knew five minutes of fame could be so emotionally draining.
When I got the call from Mark this afternoon, I got a bit of a shock as I hadn't expected it to go beyond the newsletter. I got even more of a shock when I heard Mark's intro at the top of the show. He described my story of one of courage and determination (and I guess it is), but for some reason it stirred something deep inside me and emotions started to bubble away - a lot of pride, a little bit of fear (of letting people down now that I was beginning to create expectations), some sadness (as I reflected on my accident) and even a bit of vanity that someone had considered me worthy of such praise. My breath shortened and a few tears welled up, but I left the room to gather my thoughts and calm my emotions.
The interview went well and I was blown away with the way in which Mark portrayed my story. When he announced at the end of the interview that they are going to check up on me every three months and that the nation would be following me through my training, I began to lose it. I managed to get out a genuinely heartfelt thanks on air and then, when the producer thanked me off air, I could feel bubbling emotions heading to the surface. I could hear my mobile phone recieving several texts from many of those who read my blog.
As I entered the living room the rest of the Mark's story was still being broadcast. Carleen tells me to hush as Mark reads the first paragraph of the story I had sent to Andrew and then I hear him say people like me are "the true heroes of New Zealand sport" and I become a blubering mess. I can't tell you exactly why, I really don't know. I wasn't sad and I wasn't happy, perhaps it was just a realisation of exactly what I have set out to do and what it means to me and to the people around me. Carleen embraced me and I was instantly calmer and then came the inevitable phone call from my parents. I answered, but could not speak. Eventually I controlled my emotions and Mum and I spoke for a few minutes about how proud Mum and Dad are of me.
Who knew five minutes of fame could be so emotionally draining.
23 May 2010
The week that was (Week 9)
A slightly reduced amount of training this week as I had no long ride today because of the duathlon. I still managed 10.6 hours across 11 sessions (including today's race) in total with 2:15 (3.2km) in the pool, 40km (3:54) running and 112km (4:18)on the bike. The legs are feeling fresh and, aside from the effects of a couple of late nights am not too fatigued.
Geoff has promised me a tough week next week, so it will be interesting to see how I cope.
Geoff has promised me a tough week next week, so it will be interesting to see how I cope.
First race in a while
Its been almost two months since I last raced (Southern Lakes Half Marathon) and three months since my last multisport event and I had forgotten how much I enjoy racing. I know... you can hardly call what I do racing, but I love it nonetheless.
Today was the first of Dunedin Tri Club's Winter Duathlon Series, a series that I competed in last year. This was my first attempt at the 5km-20km-5km (run-bike-run) format after having won a 2.5-10.2.5 distance (finishing in 46:07) and come flat last in a 5-40-10 distance(2:55:59) last year.
My little brother (actually, I don't know why I call him that, he's not so little) and Michael decided that they'd talk it up during the week as they were entering the same event as a team. Chris thought that his decreasing 5km times during training would see him beat me and Michael was claiming that he felt "a sub 35min coming up for 20k". I reckon that's a bit like feeling like you are going to win Lotto Powerball this week - a wonderful dream, but about 1 chance in 3,838,380.
Anyway, I thought that their bravado deserved a bit of a wager so I responded with my own chest-beating email. "Bring it on!", I boasted and then suggested that they'd have to beat me by five minutes or more to get a beer each out of me (only fair given I had transition and I was doing it on my own). If they beat me by less than five minutes they'd owe me one beer each and if I won outright they'd owe me two beers each.
Rack'em up boys, there's no sweeter tasting drink than victory served up in four long chilled glasses! While official results are not up yet, my victory over the poor dillusional pretenders was resounding. I smashed them by at least four minutes and was the fastest on each of the three legs (even though Chris is claiming a victory by a tuft of prepubescent hair mascerading as a beard for the first leg).
Aside from the opportunity to gloat and thoughly rub it in to Chris and Michael, I was pretty pleased with my effort. I was aiming for 1:25 (1:20 if everything went extra smoothly) and I managed to pull off a 1:23:15 (official result pending). My transitions were a bit clumsy and took about twice as long as the should have, including getting cramp putting my shoes back on transitioning off the bike. I was especially pleased with my bike leg though as I averaged 34.75 km/h on a course that includes eight right angle bends which I am still trying to figure out how to negotiate while down on my aerobars. I managed to pass about a dozen people on the bike leg (sadly half of them passed me again on the last run) and I was clearly much faster than people with much more athletic physiques. I was also feeling remarkably fresh on the last leg, completing it in a time only a minute or so slower than the first leg. Almost eight months out from Challenge Wanaka, I reckon this is a pretty good sign. Although, I'm not sure that you can tell that much from a race with no swim, a ride 1/9th and a total run less than 1/4 of the Challenge Wanaka distances.
Next race: Christchurch Half Marathon 7 June.
Today was the first of Dunedin Tri Club's Winter Duathlon Series, a series that I competed in last year. This was my first attempt at the 5km-20km-5km (run-bike-run) format after having won a 2.5-10.2.5 distance (finishing in 46:07) and come flat last in a 5-40-10 distance(2:55:59) last year.
My little brother (actually, I don't know why I call him that, he's not so little) and Michael decided that they'd talk it up during the week as they were entering the same event as a team. Chris thought that his decreasing 5km times during training would see him beat me and Michael was claiming that he felt "a sub 35min coming up for 20k". I reckon that's a bit like feeling like you are going to win Lotto Powerball this week - a wonderful dream, but about 1 chance in 3,838,380.
Anyway, I thought that their bravado deserved a bit of a wager so I responded with my own chest-beating email. "Bring it on!", I boasted and then suggested that they'd have to beat me by five minutes or more to get a beer each out of me (only fair given I had transition and I was doing it on my own). If they beat me by less than five minutes they'd owe me one beer each and if I won outright they'd owe me two beers each.
Rack'em up boys, there's no sweeter tasting drink than victory served up in four long chilled glasses! While official results are not up yet, my victory over the poor dillusional pretenders was resounding. I smashed them by at least four minutes and was the fastest on each of the three legs (even though Chris is claiming a victory by a tuft of prepubescent hair mascerading as a beard for the first leg).
Aside from the opportunity to gloat and thoughly rub it in to Chris and Michael, I was pretty pleased with my effort. I was aiming for 1:25 (1:20 if everything went extra smoothly) and I managed to pull off a 1:23:15 (official result pending). My transitions were a bit clumsy and took about twice as long as the should have, including getting cramp putting my shoes back on transitioning off the bike. I was especially pleased with my bike leg though as I averaged 34.75 km/h on a course that includes eight right angle bends which I am still trying to figure out how to negotiate while down on my aerobars. I managed to pass about a dozen people on the bike leg (sadly half of them passed me again on the last run) and I was clearly much faster than people with much more athletic physiques. I was also feeling remarkably fresh on the last leg, completing it in a time only a minute or so slower than the first leg. Almost eight months out from Challenge Wanaka, I reckon this is a pretty good sign. Although, I'm not sure that you can tell that much from a race with no swim, a ride 1/9th and a total run less than 1/4 of the Challenge Wanaka distances.
Next race: Christchurch Half Marathon 7 June.
22 May 2010
Motivation Part 3 - Pain
If you've been reading my posts about my accident (see When the journey really began and related posts), you'll know that I am no stranger to pain. In fact, pain and I have an interesting relationship.
For most of the past 8 years I have experienced pain on a daily basis, sometimes its just a niggle or two in my hip or back at other times it has been the sharp cutting pain of a fractured coccyx (tailbone) that took almost four years to heal or Plantar Faciitis (dozens of micro tears in the arch of the foot) brought on by excess weight and inactivity. In fact, I started running in part to overcome the pain (in particular the plantar faciitis). The results have been fantastic, even though I still have significant pain in my right hip every morning.
The strange thing is now I actively seek a degree of pain from my sporting activities. Its not that I train to the point of pain, but rather that endurance activities, by their nature, involve pain. Whether its the build up of lactic acid in the thighs as you near the top of a five kilometre climb on the bike or hitting the wall in a marathon, there is something satisfying about cresting that hill or coming out the other side at the 40km mark of a marathon.
Its not just reaching the point of pain and busting through it, I also want the pain to represent something positive, something that I am in control of and something that makes me stronger - the opposite of my accident, destructive, uncontrollable and soul-destroying.
I guess there is nothing new in the dialogue between pleasure and pain (Epicurus in the 1st Century BC and the Marques de Sade in the 18th Century had a lot to say about it a long time ago) and lots of endurance athletes talk about the grinding through the pain barrier. However, I am not sure that I have ever quite grasped how pleasure and pain work together - how can you experience ecstasy after just enuring so much pain. I guess I will learn more about this as the intensity of my training increases and as I compete in Challenge Wanaka - the real pleasure (and pain) is still ahead of me.
For most of the past 8 years I have experienced pain on a daily basis, sometimes its just a niggle or two in my hip or back at other times it has been the sharp cutting pain of a fractured coccyx (tailbone) that took almost four years to heal or Plantar Faciitis (dozens of micro tears in the arch of the foot) brought on by excess weight and inactivity. In fact, I started running in part to overcome the pain (in particular the plantar faciitis). The results have been fantastic, even though I still have significant pain in my right hip every morning.
The strange thing is now I actively seek a degree of pain from my sporting activities. Its not that I train to the point of pain, but rather that endurance activities, by their nature, involve pain. Whether its the build up of lactic acid in the thighs as you near the top of a five kilometre climb on the bike or hitting the wall in a marathon, there is something satisfying about cresting that hill or coming out the other side at the 40km mark of a marathon.
Its not just reaching the point of pain and busting through it, I also want the pain to represent something positive, something that I am in control of and something that makes me stronger - the opposite of my accident, destructive, uncontrollable and soul-destroying.
I guess there is nothing new in the dialogue between pleasure and pain (Epicurus in the 1st Century BC and the Marques de Sade in the 18th Century had a lot to say about it a long time ago) and lots of endurance athletes talk about the grinding through the pain barrier. However, I am not sure that I have ever quite grasped how pleasure and pain work together - how can you experience ecstasy after just enuring so much pain. I guess I will learn more about this as the intensity of my training increases and as I compete in Challenge Wanaka - the real pleasure (and pain) is still ahead of me.
19 May 2010
Random Numbers
10 - the number of bananas I eat on an average training week
18 - the number of showers I take on an average training week
12 - the number of muesli bars I eat on an average training week
7 - the number of extra clothes washes we have to do on an average training week
350 - the average monthly training cost (in $NZ) over the last four months
29 - the number of kgs I have lost since my peak weight of 135kg
21 - the minimum number of kgs I want to lose before Challenge Wanaka
231 - the number of days remaining until Challenge Wanaka
0 - the number of days I have not wanted to train
18 - the number of showers I take on an average training week
12 - the number of muesli bars I eat on an average training week
7 - the number of extra clothes washes we have to do on an average training week
350 - the average monthly training cost (in $NZ) over the last four months
29 - the number of kgs I have lost since my peak weight of 135kg
21 - the minimum number of kgs I want to lose before Challenge Wanaka
231 - the number of days remaining until Challenge Wanaka
0 - the number of days I have not wanted to train
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