Reflection not so easy

I thought reflection was going to be a relatively easy and somewhat liberating exercise, but to be honest rather than looking back I am entirely focussed on what lies ahead. I guess that’s a good sign as it means that I am focussed on race day.


I find it a bit strange that I am struggling to put into words what I have been thinking about for most of the last six months. To an extent, much of it is already out there for all to read, but there is still so much more that has been running through my mind on every ride, every run and every swim.

On the longer sessions a lot of this reflection has lead to momentary emotional boil-overs and there have been many times on long rides and long runs that it has rushed to the surface and tears have streamed down my face. Remembering my first steps as I walked for the first time after my accident; discharging myself from the hospital to get straight on a plane so that I could be with Carleen at her sister’s wedding; being there when James was born; finding out that Carleen was pregnant for the second time and then holding Emma for the first time... – all memories that have come flooding back.

Not all of the emotional up-welling has come from reflection. I have also visualised what it is going to be like as I cross the finish line next Saturday. Raw emotion pulses through me as I see myself entering the finishing chute with Carleen, James and Emma walking over the finish. Mark Watson, from Radio Sport and race commentator, echoing some of his humbling comments about me over the PA. Mum and Dad emotional like they were when I finished my first marathon. Gary & Chris (my brothers) and their families emotional too, as they were also along for the rough ride surrounding my accident. Last, but most definitely not least, Coach Geoff will be standing there as proud as punch – as he should be, he’s done a great job.

I have also thought a lot about Jacqueline Wyatt and her Mum, Paulette, and what they are going through. To be honest, I am torn between wanting to inspire Jacqueline to be more than she ever imagined before despite her circumstances and being fearful that I might be creating too much of an expectation for her that everything will be as it was before. I know she can be more than she was before, but I have no way of knowing if she will ever fully recover. I hope that I am sending the right message and that I can inspire her to be strong whatever lies ahead. For me, any money that I raise for her along the way is simply a bonus.

Right now, though, I just want to get on with it. I am growing increasingly impatient and race day cannot come soon enough. Once again, I'm guessing that is a good sign.