As you will have gathered from the posts from the previous week or so, things have been a little bit emotional for me lately. I had planned to write this particular post (a continuation from The fun begins...) earlier in the week, but my emotions were a bit fraught and I decided to leave it until things settled down for me. I've had a few extra days to reflect on this particular part of my story and these reflections have been intensified by the fact that Carleen is out of town and this particular part of the story is about our relationship.
I hate being away from Carleen! We have been in a relationship for almost 23 years and we have lived together since we were married in September 1992 (18 years this year) and I find it incredibly difficult when we are apart. I don't know what I would do if I ever lost her. She's only been away for three days and already I am completely exhausted because I loath going to bed without her so I delay my bedtime for several hours just so I can go to sleep relatively quickly.
Part of me thinks that this response to Carleen's absence is related to that fateful day in August 2001 and in particular to the episode that I am about to recount. Sadly, my recollection of the details relating to the exact timing of events and the conversations that I had are a little fuzzy. The emotions, though, are as if they were happening right now...
21 August 2001, about 9:30am
"Carleen, Carleen... I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!", I sob, barely managing to get the words out. Carleen touches me and I momentarily feel safe and secure. What a huge sense of relief. Thank goodness, she is here! Then, BANG, I am overwhelmed with an uncontrollable panic. Suddenly this whole thing is not about me. What have I done!?! What have I done!?! I've shattered our dreams and destroyed Carleen's life. Our baby... what is this going to do to our baby? I might never be a part of his or her life. How can this be?
What if I am paralysed? What if Carleen has to care for me for the rest of my life? How could I have been so selfish to do this to her and why now when she is going to need me the most?
I grip Carleen's hand as tight as I can, I don't want to let her go! I never want to let her go! I want her to know how much I love her and how sorry I am for what has just happened, but there are no words to describe how deeply my love runs. Words are so meaningless when you are faced with the very real possibility that you are experiencing the last embrace with your true soul mate.
All the other people in the room have disappeared from my consciousness. It is just Carleen and I, and somehow the physical pain, while still very real, takes a back seat. My physical world is as big as Carleen's touch and my emotional world, the unbreakable bond between us. At once, this moment is both an eternity and fleeting moment in time, only broken by the gentle, but heart-wrenching, interruption from one of the medical staff to say that they really have to take me away now. I can't imagine how this makes Carleen feel. All I know is that my heart feels like it is being ripped from my chest. I am in despair. What if I never see her again? "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."
I know I have to go and I know I have to be brave. "I will see you soon", I try to say in a reassuring voice, but its quickly followed by "I'm so sorry" and any sense of reassurance disappears. The gurney starts to move and Carleen comes with me. This is a short journey but one that is so incredibly frightening and at the end of it I know I have to let go. I don't want to let go, please don't make me let go! Our hands drift apart and we have one last embrace. "I love you Carleen. I love you..."
I am now on the darkest and loneliest journey anyone can take. My world has gone. I am vulnerable, exposed and alone, and I finally truly admit to myself that this could be the end. A mask appears above my head and everything fades to black...
29 May 2010
Overwhelmed
I have been overwhelmed by the messages of support that I have received since my story ran on Sport Lately and in the Tri NZ Newsletter. Some of the messages have come from complete strangers and others from friends and family. Many of the messages have elicited a strong emotional response from me and all have added to my strength and resolve to continue training and to knock off Challenge Wanaka.
Its great to know that my story is having an impact and I hope that I can continue to deliver both in terms of my acheivements and in continuing to tell my story in a way that is engaging and interesting. I have so many posts written in my head already that I don't really know where to start. I promise to keep training hard and to keep the posts flowing.
Thanks for the overwhelmingly positive messages - they are incredibly motivating and are an inspiration to me!
Its great to know that my story is having an impact and I hope that I can continue to deliver both in terms of my acheivements and in continuing to tell my story in a way that is engaging and interesting. I have so many posts written in my head already that I don't really know where to start. I promise to keep training hard and to keep the posts flowing.
Thanks for the overwhelmingly positive messages - they are incredibly motivating and are an inspiration to me!
28 May 2010
What a glorious feelin'?!?!
It might be a glorious feeling singing in the rain, but I am not so sure that its that glorious when you are cycling in the rain. Persistent rain and low cloud all day (again!) had me totally undecided on whether I'd do my planned ride for the day in the garrage on my trainer or along Portobello Road. At 9:30 it was inside, by 10:30 it was outside, then inside again by 11:30 and then, after having purchased some new lights from the boys at the Cycle Surgery so that I could be seen, I finally decided to harden up and head out along the Peninsula.
Once again, I wasn't sure if this was bike training or training for the swim leg. I haven't been so wet in ages and the head wind coming back was driving the rain right into my face. Did I mention that it was only 5 degrees too?
Another to add drag up from the memory banks in January...
Once again, I wasn't sure if this was bike training or training for the swim leg. I haven't been so wet in ages and the head wind coming back was driving the rain right into my face. Did I mention that it was only 5 degrees too?
Another to add drag up from the memory banks in January...
27 May 2010
Rain, Hail and (not much) Shine
This week is going to be one of those training weeks that, when the going gets tough and I'm hurting like hell in the Challenge, I'll dredge up from the memory banks. I'll be using as motivation - 'if I trained through that, I can finish this damn race'.
On Tuesday I did my 8 x 400m at 5km pace in a torrential downpour. That day Dunedin received 77mm of rain and, while it wasn't terribly cold, I wasn't sure if I was training for the run or the swim.
This morning I was out on the bike with snow on the hills and a nasty southerly blasting through the city. It was all of about 3 degrees and about half way through my warm up (and I use that term 'warm' very liberally) for my hill workout it began to hail. Thankfully the roads did not get too slippery, but hail stones pelting my face weren't at all pleasant.
As if that wasn't enough, I went out again this afternoon in the freezing wind and punished myself with 50 second hill repeat runs at 90-95% effort. The lactic acid burned my quads after just 20-30 seconds and I had to grind out the last 20 odd seconds.
The things we do in pursuit of our goals!
On Tuesday I did my 8 x 400m at 5km pace in a torrential downpour. That day Dunedin received 77mm of rain and, while it wasn't terribly cold, I wasn't sure if I was training for the run or the swim.
This morning I was out on the bike with snow on the hills and a nasty southerly blasting through the city. It was all of about 3 degrees and about half way through my warm up (and I use that term 'warm' very liberally) for my hill workout it began to hail. Thankfully the roads did not get too slippery, but hail stones pelting my face weren't at all pleasant.
As if that wasn't enough, I went out again this afternoon in the freezing wind and punished myself with 50 second hill repeat runs at 90-95% effort. The lactic acid burned my quads after just 20-30 seconds and I had to grind out the last 20 odd seconds.
The things we do in pursuit of our goals!
Sport Lately radio interview
For those of you who missed my first interview on Sport Lately (25/05/2010), here it is.
Thanks to Gracie Productions for allowing me to post it here.
Thanks to Gracie Productions for allowing me to post it here.
25 May 2010
Five Minutes of Fame
Tonight I was interviewed by Mark Watson of Sport Lately on Radio Sport. (Radio Sport is my favourite radio station. You see, deep down I am a sports junkie. So much so that I have resisted getting Sky Television as I know I'd watch a game of tiddly winks if it was on.) I had emailled a link to my blog and brief outline of my story to Andrew Dewhurst (the show's co-presenter and producer of another show - the High Performance Hour) as I knew the High Performance Hour had a 'Things We Like' section I thought they might give this blog a plug. Andrew liked it enough to ask me to put together a brief story for the TriNZ newsletter and he passed that story on to Mark.
When I got the call from Mark this afternoon, I got a bit of a shock as I hadn't expected it to go beyond the newsletter. I got even more of a shock when I heard Mark's intro at the top of the show. He described my story of one of courage and determination (and I guess it is), but for some reason it stirred something deep inside me and emotions started to bubble away - a lot of pride, a little bit of fear (of letting people down now that I was beginning to create expectations), some sadness (as I reflected on my accident) and even a bit of vanity that someone had considered me worthy of such praise. My breath shortened and a few tears welled up, but I left the room to gather my thoughts and calm my emotions.
The interview went well and I was blown away with the way in which Mark portrayed my story. When he announced at the end of the interview that they are going to check up on me every three months and that the nation would be following me through my training, I began to lose it. I managed to get out a genuinely heartfelt thanks on air and then, when the producer thanked me off air, I could feel bubbling emotions heading to the surface. I could hear my mobile phone recieving several texts from many of those who read my blog.
As I entered the living room the rest of the Mark's story was still being broadcast. Carleen tells me to hush as Mark reads the first paragraph of the story I had sent to Andrew and then I hear him say people like me are "the true heroes of New Zealand sport" and I become a blubering mess. I can't tell you exactly why, I really don't know. I wasn't sad and I wasn't happy, perhaps it was just a realisation of exactly what I have set out to do and what it means to me and to the people around me. Carleen embraced me and I was instantly calmer and then came the inevitable phone call from my parents. I answered, but could not speak. Eventually I controlled my emotions and Mum and I spoke for a few minutes about how proud Mum and Dad are of me.
Who knew five minutes of fame could be so emotionally draining.
When I got the call from Mark this afternoon, I got a bit of a shock as I hadn't expected it to go beyond the newsletter. I got even more of a shock when I heard Mark's intro at the top of the show. He described my story of one of courage and determination (and I guess it is), but for some reason it stirred something deep inside me and emotions started to bubble away - a lot of pride, a little bit of fear (of letting people down now that I was beginning to create expectations), some sadness (as I reflected on my accident) and even a bit of vanity that someone had considered me worthy of such praise. My breath shortened and a few tears welled up, but I left the room to gather my thoughts and calm my emotions.
The interview went well and I was blown away with the way in which Mark portrayed my story. When he announced at the end of the interview that they are going to check up on me every three months and that the nation would be following me through my training, I began to lose it. I managed to get out a genuinely heartfelt thanks on air and then, when the producer thanked me off air, I could feel bubbling emotions heading to the surface. I could hear my mobile phone recieving several texts from many of those who read my blog.
As I entered the living room the rest of the Mark's story was still being broadcast. Carleen tells me to hush as Mark reads the first paragraph of the story I had sent to Andrew and then I hear him say people like me are "the true heroes of New Zealand sport" and I become a blubering mess. I can't tell you exactly why, I really don't know. I wasn't sad and I wasn't happy, perhaps it was just a realisation of exactly what I have set out to do and what it means to me and to the people around me. Carleen embraced me and I was instantly calmer and then came the inevitable phone call from my parents. I answered, but could not speak. Eventually I controlled my emotions and Mum and I spoke for a few minutes about how proud Mum and Dad are of me.
Who knew five minutes of fame could be so emotionally draining.
23 May 2010
The week that was (Week 9)
A slightly reduced amount of training this week as I had no long ride today because of the duathlon. I still managed 10.6 hours across 11 sessions (including today's race) in total with 2:15 (3.2km) in the pool, 40km (3:54) running and 112km (4:18)on the bike. The legs are feeling fresh and, aside from the effects of a couple of late nights am not too fatigued.
Geoff has promised me a tough week next week, so it will be interesting to see how I cope.
Geoff has promised me a tough week next week, so it will be interesting to see how I cope.
First race in a while
Its been almost two months since I last raced (Southern Lakes Half Marathon) and three months since my last multisport event and I had forgotten how much I enjoy racing. I know... you can hardly call what I do racing, but I love it nonetheless.
Today was the first of Dunedin Tri Club's Winter Duathlon Series, a series that I competed in last year. This was my first attempt at the 5km-20km-5km (run-bike-run) format after having won a 2.5-10.2.5 distance (finishing in 46:07) and come flat last in a 5-40-10 distance(2:55:59) last year.
My little brother (actually, I don't know why I call him that, he's not so little) and Michael decided that they'd talk it up during the week as they were entering the same event as a team. Chris thought that his decreasing 5km times during training would see him beat me and Michael was claiming that he felt "a sub 35min coming up for 20k". I reckon that's a bit like feeling like you are going to win Lotto Powerball this week - a wonderful dream, but about 1 chance in 3,838,380.
Anyway, I thought that their bravado deserved a bit of a wager so I responded with my own chest-beating email. "Bring it on!", I boasted and then suggested that they'd have to beat me by five minutes or more to get a beer each out of me (only fair given I had transition and I was doing it on my own). If they beat me by less than five minutes they'd owe me one beer each and if I won outright they'd owe me two beers each.
Rack'em up boys, there's no sweeter tasting drink than victory served up in four long chilled glasses! While official results are not up yet, my victory over the poor dillusional pretenders was resounding. I smashed them by at least four minutes and was the fastest on each of the three legs (even though Chris is claiming a victory by a tuft of prepubescent hair mascerading as a beard for the first leg).
Aside from the opportunity to gloat and thoughly rub it in to Chris and Michael, I was pretty pleased with my effort. I was aiming for 1:25 (1:20 if everything went extra smoothly) and I managed to pull off a 1:23:15 (official result pending). My transitions were a bit clumsy and took about twice as long as the should have, including getting cramp putting my shoes back on transitioning off the bike. I was especially pleased with my bike leg though as I averaged 34.75 km/h on a course that includes eight right angle bends which I am still trying to figure out how to negotiate while down on my aerobars. I managed to pass about a dozen people on the bike leg (sadly half of them passed me again on the last run) and I was clearly much faster than people with much more athletic physiques. I was also feeling remarkably fresh on the last leg, completing it in a time only a minute or so slower than the first leg. Almost eight months out from Challenge Wanaka, I reckon this is a pretty good sign. Although, I'm not sure that you can tell that much from a race with no swim, a ride 1/9th and a total run less than 1/4 of the Challenge Wanaka distances.
Next race: Christchurch Half Marathon 7 June.
Today was the first of Dunedin Tri Club's Winter Duathlon Series, a series that I competed in last year. This was my first attempt at the 5km-20km-5km (run-bike-run) format after having won a 2.5-10.2.5 distance (finishing in 46:07) and come flat last in a 5-40-10 distance(2:55:59) last year.
My little brother (actually, I don't know why I call him that, he's not so little) and Michael decided that they'd talk it up during the week as they were entering the same event as a team. Chris thought that his decreasing 5km times during training would see him beat me and Michael was claiming that he felt "a sub 35min coming up for 20k". I reckon that's a bit like feeling like you are going to win Lotto Powerball this week - a wonderful dream, but about 1 chance in 3,838,380.
Anyway, I thought that their bravado deserved a bit of a wager so I responded with my own chest-beating email. "Bring it on!", I boasted and then suggested that they'd have to beat me by five minutes or more to get a beer each out of me (only fair given I had transition and I was doing it on my own). If they beat me by less than five minutes they'd owe me one beer each and if I won outright they'd owe me two beers each.
Rack'em up boys, there's no sweeter tasting drink than victory served up in four long chilled glasses! While official results are not up yet, my victory over the poor dillusional pretenders was resounding. I smashed them by at least four minutes and was the fastest on each of the three legs (even though Chris is claiming a victory by a tuft of prepubescent hair mascerading as a beard for the first leg).
Aside from the opportunity to gloat and thoughly rub it in to Chris and Michael, I was pretty pleased with my effort. I was aiming for 1:25 (1:20 if everything went extra smoothly) and I managed to pull off a 1:23:15 (official result pending). My transitions were a bit clumsy and took about twice as long as the should have, including getting cramp putting my shoes back on transitioning off the bike. I was especially pleased with my bike leg though as I averaged 34.75 km/h on a course that includes eight right angle bends which I am still trying to figure out how to negotiate while down on my aerobars. I managed to pass about a dozen people on the bike leg (sadly half of them passed me again on the last run) and I was clearly much faster than people with much more athletic physiques. I was also feeling remarkably fresh on the last leg, completing it in a time only a minute or so slower than the first leg. Almost eight months out from Challenge Wanaka, I reckon this is a pretty good sign. Although, I'm not sure that you can tell that much from a race with no swim, a ride 1/9th and a total run less than 1/4 of the Challenge Wanaka distances.
Next race: Christchurch Half Marathon 7 June.
22 May 2010
Motivation Part 3 - Pain
If you've been reading my posts about my accident (see When the journey really began and related posts), you'll know that I am no stranger to pain. In fact, pain and I have an interesting relationship.
For most of the past 8 years I have experienced pain on a daily basis, sometimes its just a niggle or two in my hip or back at other times it has been the sharp cutting pain of a fractured coccyx (tailbone) that took almost four years to heal or Plantar Faciitis (dozens of micro tears in the arch of the foot) brought on by excess weight and inactivity. In fact, I started running in part to overcome the pain (in particular the plantar faciitis). The results have been fantastic, even though I still have significant pain in my right hip every morning.
The strange thing is now I actively seek a degree of pain from my sporting activities. Its not that I train to the point of pain, but rather that endurance activities, by their nature, involve pain. Whether its the build up of lactic acid in the thighs as you near the top of a five kilometre climb on the bike or hitting the wall in a marathon, there is something satisfying about cresting that hill or coming out the other side at the 40km mark of a marathon.
Its not just reaching the point of pain and busting through it, I also want the pain to represent something positive, something that I am in control of and something that makes me stronger - the opposite of my accident, destructive, uncontrollable and soul-destroying.
I guess there is nothing new in the dialogue between pleasure and pain (Epicurus in the 1st Century BC and the Marques de Sade in the 18th Century had a lot to say about it a long time ago) and lots of endurance athletes talk about the grinding through the pain barrier. However, I am not sure that I have ever quite grasped how pleasure and pain work together - how can you experience ecstasy after just enuring so much pain. I guess I will learn more about this as the intensity of my training increases and as I compete in Challenge Wanaka - the real pleasure (and pain) is still ahead of me.
For most of the past 8 years I have experienced pain on a daily basis, sometimes its just a niggle or two in my hip or back at other times it has been the sharp cutting pain of a fractured coccyx (tailbone) that took almost four years to heal or Plantar Faciitis (dozens of micro tears in the arch of the foot) brought on by excess weight and inactivity. In fact, I started running in part to overcome the pain (in particular the plantar faciitis). The results have been fantastic, even though I still have significant pain in my right hip every morning.
The strange thing is now I actively seek a degree of pain from my sporting activities. Its not that I train to the point of pain, but rather that endurance activities, by their nature, involve pain. Whether its the build up of lactic acid in the thighs as you near the top of a five kilometre climb on the bike or hitting the wall in a marathon, there is something satisfying about cresting that hill or coming out the other side at the 40km mark of a marathon.
Its not just reaching the point of pain and busting through it, I also want the pain to represent something positive, something that I am in control of and something that makes me stronger - the opposite of my accident, destructive, uncontrollable and soul-destroying.
I guess there is nothing new in the dialogue between pleasure and pain (Epicurus in the 1st Century BC and the Marques de Sade in the 18th Century had a lot to say about it a long time ago) and lots of endurance athletes talk about the grinding through the pain barrier. However, I am not sure that I have ever quite grasped how pleasure and pain work together - how can you experience ecstasy after just enuring so much pain. I guess I will learn more about this as the intensity of my training increases and as I compete in Challenge Wanaka - the real pleasure (and pain) is still ahead of me.
19 May 2010
Random Numbers
10 - the number of bananas I eat on an average training week
18 - the number of showers I take on an average training week
12 - the number of muesli bars I eat on an average training week
7 - the number of extra clothes washes we have to do on an average training week
350 - the average monthly training cost (in $NZ) over the last four months
29 - the number of kgs I have lost since my peak weight of 135kg
21 - the minimum number of kgs I want to lose before Challenge Wanaka
231 - the number of days remaining until Challenge Wanaka
0 - the number of days I have not wanted to train
18 - the number of showers I take on an average training week
12 - the number of muesli bars I eat on an average training week
7 - the number of extra clothes washes we have to do on an average training week
350 - the average monthly training cost (in $NZ) over the last four months
29 - the number of kgs I have lost since my peak weight of 135kg
21 - the minimum number of kgs I want to lose before Challenge Wanaka
231 - the number of days remaining until Challenge Wanaka
0 - the number of days I have not wanted to train
16 May 2010
The week that was (Week 8)
This is a transition week so it really has 9 days in it. My return from Aussie and the new programs from Geoff starting on Mondays have necessitated a new start day for my recording of weekly totals (Monday now, Saturday before). So since my last weekly report there have effectively been 9 days.
Last weekend saw a rest day and a 75km (2 hours 50 minutes) ride and my new week calculations starting from Monday 10 May. In the 7 days since then I managed 2:54 of running including my first speedwork / interval training plus 21.4km on the road. I also notched up 167.7km on the bike including an 82.2km ride today. That meant a total of 6:38 in the saddle and I have the chaifing to prove it!. Included in my bike work this week was my first time trial which took 0:21:17 for 12.6km, averaging 35.5 km/hour. I also stepped the swimming up a bit this week (4.6km in 1:45, over four sessions) and concentrated on slowing my stroke and powering it up a bit. The kicking is still definitely a work in progress though. Thats a grand total of 12:17 and 198.7 km for the 7 days or 15:07 and 273.7 km for the 9 day period.
There are some milestones coming up next week when I will crack the 1,000 km mark on the bike, 250 km running and 15 hours in the pool since starting just on 9 weeks ago!
Last weekend saw a rest day and a 75km (2 hours 50 minutes) ride and my new week calculations starting from Monday 10 May. In the 7 days since then I managed 2:54 of running including my first speedwork / interval training plus 21.4km on the road. I also notched up 167.7km on the bike including an 82.2km ride today. That meant a total of 6:38 in the saddle and I have the chaifing to prove it!. Included in my bike work this week was my first time trial which took 0:21:17 for 12.6km, averaging 35.5 km/hour. I also stepped the swimming up a bit this week (4.6km in 1:45, over four sessions) and concentrated on slowing my stroke and powering it up a bit. The kicking is still definitely a work in progress though. Thats a grand total of 12:17 and 198.7 km for the 7 days or 15:07 and 273.7 km for the 9 day period.
There are some milestones coming up next week when I will crack the 1,000 km mark on the bike, 250 km running and 15 hours in the pool since starting just on 9 weeks ago!
14 May 2010
The fun begins...
I did a time trial today on Portobello Road, it was to give me a baseline for my fitness and to help Geoff to further tailor my training program. James and I decided that the very light wind was from the south so we headed to Broad Bay to come back with the 'tail wind'. Turns out we got it slightly wrong and it was in fact a head wind, albeit a very light one. Nonetheless, it did slow me down, but I was reasonably pleased with my time. I managed 0:21:17 for 12.6km, averaging 35.5 km/hour. Given I've only owned the bike since October and only started serious training on it since about March, I reckon I have got plenty of improvement yet.
Today was also my first lengthy period using new aerobars and I actually enjoyed it. In my post on Sunday I mentioned that the position was bloody uncomfortable, so I took my bike into the guys at the Cycle Surgery to have some adjustments done to the set up. It is amazing what a few millimetres of adjustment in each direction can do. The last thing I expected was that raising my seat would make it more comfortable, but it did. In fact it is now more comfortable to ride in the aero position than upright.
I also decided today that I am going to spoil myself and get that Garmin GPS that I initially said was an absolute luxury (see Gear). Well, it still is but now that my workouts are getting more precise, measuring what I do is quite important and I the gear I have is like using a sundial when you compare it with the Garmin. My current heart rate monitor has been fine, but there is no lap function and at 1 hour the seconds disappear. My $10 bike computer has been fine so far, but in the rain the other day it just stopped working. Besides, I got a nice little royalties cheque the other day so I have decided to splurge out.
My little brother (Chris, the one that did his first half marathon in Wanaka just before Easter) sent me an email the other night made me realise that perhaps I hadn't really appreciated how my accident had impacted on those close to me. I might do a post in the near future on my conversation with Chris, but for now its back to the emergency room to continue the story of that fateful day in 2001.
21 August 2001, about 9:10am
By now I am starting to realise the true gravity of what has happened to me. There is no way that they'd have this many people working this frantically if I wasn't in serious danger, not to mention the fact that the pain is getting worse and I am well in shock by now.
One of things that the ER staff are doing is sticking me with every type of sharp (and not so sharp) object they can find. Like the paramedics, they try and fail to find a vein for an IV (three or four bloody times on each arm!). One needle was good though as they gave me a dose of morphine that sends me even further into a spin and goes some way to dulling the pain. While they are using my arms for darts practice, they are also trying to insert a catheter in order to stabilise my urethra. Now, most of you guys will be crossing your legs by now, but this is worse than you are imagining. You see, when my pelvis was crushed by the wheel of the semi, it flattened it like a coke can. Your prostate is attached to your pelvis and your urethra is attached to prostate (sounds a bit like song that the kids sing) and when you crush your pelvis your urethra and your prostate part company. Yes, that's right I had torn my pee tube in half and when you try to insert a catheter into a tube that's floating around in a pool of broken pelvis it is one of the most excruciating things you can imagine - morphine and all. Once again, they have several goes, just in case! What part of 'F@*&%$#^K!' don't they understand!!??!!
They are also extremely concerned that I have massive internal bleeding as some pretty serious blood vessels travel through the pelvis. I hear them mention that they are going to have to tourniquet it. I think "how on earth are they going to do that?", but I know I am about to find out. Someone explains to me that they are going to lift my pelvis off the gurney and slide a strap underneath my hips - "That's gonna hurt". They do so and I almost pass out from the pain. Moments later two nurses/doctors are on either side of the gurney holding each end of the strap after having tied a loose knot and they pull. I am beyond pain - in a place that no one should ever have to go. Then SNAP, the tourniquet breaks and everything goes limp. I think I can hear one of them yell "F*$k!" and someone quickly reassures me and they start the whole process over.
I am very hazy now. The pain is too much and I am not completely sure what is going on. I think someone is now on the gurney standing above my pelvis to tie the new tourniquet off, but I can't be sure. They get it done and the pain subsides, just a little. I am sure, however, about what happens next. I remember it very clearly.
The only way they can know for certain that the bleeding has stopped is to make an incision large enough to have a look inside. They warn me that the local anaesthesia is going in just below my navel and aside from the usual prick it is no big deal (hell, it pales into insignificance when compared with the other things that are going on). They wait a few minutes and do the usual touch test to check that there was no feeling. "Nup, no feeling there Doc... Wait, NO, STOP, I can feel you cutting!" Yeah, that's not good. More local and another test and this time I can't feel the cutting... "Wait, NO, I CAN FEEL YOU POKING AROUND INSIDE THERE... STOP... STOP!!!" Thank God the bleeding has stopped and they sew me back up.
A police officer comes into vision from above my head and I hear Carleen's voice...
Today was also my first lengthy period using new aerobars and I actually enjoyed it. In my post on Sunday I mentioned that the position was bloody uncomfortable, so I took my bike into the guys at the Cycle Surgery to have some adjustments done to the set up. It is amazing what a few millimetres of adjustment in each direction can do. The last thing I expected was that raising my seat would make it more comfortable, but it did. In fact it is now more comfortable to ride in the aero position than upright.
I also decided today that I am going to spoil myself and get that Garmin GPS that I initially said was an absolute luxury (see Gear). Well, it still is but now that my workouts are getting more precise, measuring what I do is quite important and I the gear I have is like using a sundial when you compare it with the Garmin. My current heart rate monitor has been fine, but there is no lap function and at 1 hour the seconds disappear. My $10 bike computer has been fine so far, but in the rain the other day it just stopped working. Besides, I got a nice little royalties cheque the other day so I have decided to splurge out.
My little brother (Chris, the one that did his first half marathon in Wanaka just before Easter) sent me an email the other night made me realise that perhaps I hadn't really appreciated how my accident had impacted on those close to me. I might do a post in the near future on my conversation with Chris, but for now its back to the emergency room to continue the story of that fateful day in 2001.
21 August 2001, about 9:10am
By now I am starting to realise the true gravity of what has happened to me. There is no way that they'd have this many people working this frantically if I wasn't in serious danger, not to mention the fact that the pain is getting worse and I am well in shock by now.
One of things that the ER staff are doing is sticking me with every type of sharp (and not so sharp) object they can find. Like the paramedics, they try and fail to find a vein for an IV (three or four bloody times on each arm!). One needle was good though as they gave me a dose of morphine that sends me even further into a spin and goes some way to dulling the pain. While they are using my arms for darts practice, they are also trying to insert a catheter in order to stabilise my urethra. Now, most of you guys will be crossing your legs by now, but this is worse than you are imagining. You see, when my pelvis was crushed by the wheel of the semi, it flattened it like a coke can. Your prostate is attached to your pelvis and your urethra is attached to prostate (sounds a bit like song that the kids sing) and when you crush your pelvis your urethra and your prostate part company. Yes, that's right I had torn my pee tube in half and when you try to insert a catheter into a tube that's floating around in a pool of broken pelvis it is one of the most excruciating things you can imagine - morphine and all. Once again, they have several goes, just in case! What part of 'F@*&%$#^K!' don't they understand!!??!!
They are also extremely concerned that I have massive internal bleeding as some pretty serious blood vessels travel through the pelvis. I hear them mention that they are going to have to tourniquet it. I think "how on earth are they going to do that?", but I know I am about to find out. Someone explains to me that they are going to lift my pelvis off the gurney and slide a strap underneath my hips - "That's gonna hurt". They do so and I almost pass out from the pain. Moments later two nurses/doctors are on either side of the gurney holding each end of the strap after having tied a loose knot and they pull. I am beyond pain - in a place that no one should ever have to go. Then SNAP, the tourniquet breaks and everything goes limp. I think I can hear one of them yell "F*$k!" and someone quickly reassures me and they start the whole process over.
I am very hazy now. The pain is too much and I am not completely sure what is going on. I think someone is now on the gurney standing above my pelvis to tie the new tourniquet off, but I can't be sure. They get it done and the pain subsides, just a little. I am sure, however, about what happens next. I remember it very clearly.
The only way they can know for certain that the bleeding has stopped is to make an incision large enough to have a look inside. They warn me that the local anaesthesia is going in just below my navel and aside from the usual prick it is no big deal (hell, it pales into insignificance when compared with the other things that are going on). They wait a few minutes and do the usual touch test to check that there was no feeling. "Nup, no feeling there Doc... Wait, NO, STOP, I can feel you cutting!" Yeah, that's not good. More local and another test and this time I can't feel the cutting... "Wait, NO, I CAN FEEL YOU POKING AROUND INSIDE THERE... STOP... STOP!!!" Thank God the bleeding has stopped and they sew me back up.
A police officer comes into vision from above my head and I hear Carleen's voice...
13 May 2010
Autumn is here
Early morning rides are getting a bit interesting. Yesterday I went out at 8:30 for a 90 minutes ride after delaying for 30 minutes while I finished off some work that I had started at 7am and, more importantly so the sun could start peeking over the hill. The sun was well up by the time I left home, but as I descended into the shade of Leith Valley and then headed up North East Valley, the cold chilled me to the core. Tgere ws no frost on the ground, but there was on car windscreens and I thought I was going to get frost bite. Even with multiple layers of clothing and two pairs of gloves my fingertips and toes first felt like icicles and then went completely numb.
Today was a different story, not cold just very wet. It was my first wet ride ever and my first wet run for a very long time so I think that my training is getting really serious. I am no longer a fair weather trainer and to be honest I loved riding in the warm rain. I am not sure how I'll go in the middle of winter in wet driving rain though. I think that is when the indoor trainer will come into play.
Today was a different story, not cold just very wet. It was my first wet ride ever and my first wet run for a very long time so I think that my training is getting really serious. I am no longer a fair weather trainer and to be honest I loved riding in the warm rain. I am not sure how I'll go in the middle of winter in wet driving rain though. I think that is when the indoor trainer will come into play.
10 May 2010
The New Regime
Today was the official start of my new training program with Geoff Williamson. The main difference between what I am doing now and what I did with Katie is the level of detail that Geoff provides in his instructions. Its great to have this level of detail as I have always just trained to how I felt on the day or to the level of the people I just happen to be training with (if they are slower than me I train at their pace, if they are faster I usually push myself too hard). Now I know when I am to do an easy session, hill work or hard intervals.
Geoff also has me doing a 400 metre time trial in the pool and around a 12.5km time trial on the bike to assess my fitness. We already know that my running is to 1:46 half marathon standard, so it will be interesting to see what the benchmark is for the other two disciplines and to see how they improve (my half marathon time has improved by more than half and hour since September 2008).
Geoff also joined Michael, James and I on a 75km ride yesterday (Sunday) and gave me a number of pointers on the move. I have just fitted aero bars to my bike and I gave them a bit of a trial too. Geoff suggested that I sit further forward on the seat, but I wasn't keen on the pointy end of the seat meeting up with my pointy end. We headed over the hill and out to the south of the city along the coast through Brighton and just past Kuri Bush. Its a bit more of a grind than I thought it would be as there are plenty of undualtions along the coast and I was trying to keep the pace up so Geoff didn't feel like it was too slow for him. It was too slow for him anyway and I was knackered after about 60km, but I recovered extremely well today. Despite the fast pace there was plenty of time to take in the brilliant, still autumn morning and the perfect surf crashing in along the white sand beaches. The light sea haze and clear blue sky framed the picture post card scenery of one of the most under-rated parts of the city (if not, country). The next calm Sunday, I think I'll head out there again.
Geoff also has me doing a 400 metre time trial in the pool and around a 12.5km time trial on the bike to assess my fitness. We already know that my running is to 1:46 half marathon standard, so it will be interesting to see what the benchmark is for the other two disciplines and to see how they improve (my half marathon time has improved by more than half and hour since September 2008).
Geoff also joined Michael, James and I on a 75km ride yesterday (Sunday) and gave me a number of pointers on the move. I have just fitted aero bars to my bike and I gave them a bit of a trial too. Geoff suggested that I sit further forward on the seat, but I wasn't keen on the pointy end of the seat meeting up with my pointy end. We headed over the hill and out to the south of the city along the coast through Brighton and just past Kuri Bush. Its a bit more of a grind than I thought it would be as there are plenty of undualtions along the coast and I was trying to keep the pace up so Geoff didn't feel like it was too slow for him. It was too slow for him anyway and I was knackered after about 60km, but I recovered extremely well today. Despite the fast pace there was plenty of time to take in the brilliant, still autumn morning and the perfect surf crashing in along the white sand beaches. The light sea haze and clear blue sky framed the picture post card scenery of one of the most under-rated parts of the city (if not, country). The next calm Sunday, I think I'll head out there again.
08 May 2010
My long suffering wife
I don't know how Carleen puts up with me. Tomorrow is Mothers Day and she is letting me head to the pool at 7:30am for a swim session and then off on a bike ride from 9am to about noon. Thanks again Carleen, I owe you one massive pay back.
The Week That Was (Week Seven)
A busy week in Adelaide at the Food Summit and a whole day out travelling meant a very light week, just 5 hours in total. Only 1 run through the leafy suburbs of Adelaide and out to the lovely beach of Glenelg. It was a long run of almost 25km, but the last km to the beach was through the shopping precinct. I walked that last bit, bought a banana and bottle of water and removed some stones from my shoes so it took 20 minutes to go from the edge of the shops to the beach and back. That still meant a total of 22.5km taking 2:30. I also managed 90 minutes on a gym bike at the hotel and swim on Friday upon my return to Dunedin.
My swim turned out to be much better than I had thought it would be after a 10 day break. I have been doing kick drills and 10 x 25 metre sprints with fins and 10 x 25 without (OK, you can stop laughing now, I know its pathetic, but it is working). Anyway, 4 lengths into my last set of sprints I decided that I was thrashing about too much and not focusing on my form. So I slowed my stroke rate down and really focused on my stroke, especially my body roll and balance. To my astonishment, things started to feel great - my balance was fantastic, I finally started to feel a strong pull from the shoulder rather than the arm and breathing was smooth. My stroke rate had dropped significantly, but my pace had increased by 2 seconds for the 25 metres. I was feeling so good that I decided to do a 50 metre sprint to finish - dumb idea, my form on the second 25 was crap. I must remember what I keep telling my students: Baby steps, grasshopper. Baby steps!
My swim turned out to be much better than I had thought it would be after a 10 day break. I have been doing kick drills and 10 x 25 metre sprints with fins and 10 x 25 without (OK, you can stop laughing now, I know its pathetic, but it is working). Anyway, 4 lengths into my last set of sprints I decided that I was thrashing about too much and not focusing on my form. So I slowed my stroke rate down and really focused on my stroke, especially my body roll and balance. To my astonishment, things started to feel great - my balance was fantastic, I finally started to feel a strong pull from the shoulder rather than the arm and breathing was smooth. My stroke rate had dropped significantly, but my pace had increased by 2 seconds for the 25 metres. I was feeling so good that I decided to do a 50 metre sprint to finish - dumb idea, my form on the second 25 was crap. I must remember what I keep telling my students: Baby steps, grasshopper. Baby steps!
02 May 2010
Coach
Over the last week, I have had a change of coach. Katie and I have decided that it is best if she focusses on her new job and her elite quad training. I am extremely grateful for the help and encouragement that she has given me. The program that she gave me an excellent kick start and her enthusiasm has been awesome. THANKS HEAPS, KATIE.
My new coach is Geoff Williamson (see Niggles and Wisdom). I am really looking forward to working with Geoff as he, more than anyone, knows the limits of my body and my level of ability as he is the one that has to clean up the aftermath of my training and racing. He is my massage therapist afterall. He is also coaching a number of other atheletes (not sure that I should say other, that implies that I am an athelete) and is a successful athlete in his own right so I know am in good hands. He's also training for the Lake Wanaka Half (part of the Challenge Wanaka event) and Ironman New Zealand so it will be fun to compare our relative progress - not that I am going to be anywhere near his level.
My new coach is Geoff Williamson (see Niggles and Wisdom). I am really looking forward to working with Geoff as he, more than anyone, knows the limits of my body and my level of ability as he is the one that has to clean up the aftermath of my training and racing. He is my massage therapist afterall. He is also coaching a number of other atheletes (not sure that I should say other, that implies that I am an athelete) and is a successful athlete in his own right so I know am in good hands. He's also training for the Lake Wanaka Half (part of the Challenge Wanaka event) and Ironman New Zealand so it will be fun to compare our relative progress - not that I am going to be anywhere near his level.
The Week That Was (Week 6)
This week was an enforced (and very welcome) rest week. I've been in Melbourne and Adelaide for work and fitting in training has led to some unusual runs. I managed a long hilly ride on the Sunday before I left. We headed down the Otago Peninsula to Taiaroa Head and back, using the high road (Highcliff Road) in both directions so it was full on hill work. That was the only ride for the week and Monday (the day before I left for Aussie) was the only swim. I managed a couple of runs in Melbourne, one from the airport to the city. So the week's 6:30 of training included: a 40 min swim, a 3:05 hour ride and two runs totaling 2:45.
Training while away from home, especially as I have work and associated evening engagements while in Adelaide, is proving to be more difficult than I thought. Also finding a local pool to swim at was not as easy as I thought. Nonetheless, I am still managing to get some serious running in (I've managed a 10km, 17km and a 26 km since Tuesday), but next time I am away I will have to do some more advance planning.
Training while away from home, especially as I have work and associated evening engagements while in Adelaide, is proving to be more difficult than I thought. Also finding a local pool to swim at was not as easy as I thought. Nonetheless, I am still managing to get some serious running in (I've managed a 10km, 17km and a 26 km since Tuesday), but next time I am away I will have to do some more advance planning.
01 May 2010
Motivation Part 2 - Inspiration
I'm now in Adelaide at Tasting Australia as an invited speaker and I've been unable to train for two days (and I'm going mad). I took part in a panel session this afternoon with Stephanie Alexander (for the foodies among us) and I'm rubbing shoulders with other celebrity chefs from all around the world. Its a bit surreal really, but kinda cool nonetheless. These people inspire me and thousands of others to cook and learn about food and it starts me thinking about the nature of inspiration. Well actually, inspiration is something I think about a lot when I am running and when I am writing. What inspires me to train? Who do I find inspirational? Do I actually feel inspired or is it something else?
(On a slight tangent: I watched the sunset this evening from the 18th floor lift lobby of my hotel. It was spectacular. My eye was drawn across the city by the River Torrens that weaved its way threw the city to the ocean. In the distance I could make out the coastline and then a thin strip of ocean that formed a knife-edge horizon. Waifs of cloud and criss-crossing contrails gathered in the distance as the sun slowly sank; turning the cloud first a bright yellow-gold, then a brilliant tangerine orange. I was transfixed, watchng it for a full 10 minutes and I was inspired to write.)
While I am in awe of elite atheletes, I am sure I am not inspired by them. In part, I think this arises from the fact that I am far from elite and will never be at the pointy end of any field like them (although I have won a novice short distance duathlon). They are just too far away from me in so many ways and I cannot aspire to their heights.
I am inspired by battlers though. Those who have fought adversity and won. I can achieve like them and I can aspire to be like them. One that comes to mind is a 16 year old girl that I met in the rehabilitation hospital in Melbourne. Her car had been hit by a drunk driver and her neck was broken. This left her in a full torso brace that stabilised her spine while she recovered. As soon as the physio gym opened every day, she was there and she worked as hard as she could to get strong again. She amazed the staff with her dedication and ultimately she left hospital weeks ahead of her estimated recovery date. She was a true inspiration to me as I learned to walk again and as I undertook my often painful physio to regain my leg strength. I still think about her when I run and wish she knew that she continues to be an inspiration.
Inspiration is not that simple though. In fact, there is an interesting dynamic between myself and those who say that I inspire them. You see, I don't consider myself to be inspirational. Call me egotistical, but what I am doing is completely selfish and is about what the achievement does for me and not for others. However, when people say that I am an inspiration I am somehow inspired to continue what I am doing. The other day Jas Wadsworth sent a blog post to a list of his cycling mates and asked them to read it as he found it to be inspirational. When I read Jas's email, I was truly moved that Jas would have felt strongly enough to pass it on, so much so that I shed a tear or two. So, when others feel inspired by me this lifts me and spurs me on to achieve even more. Those inspired by me are an inspiration to me. This is an emotional response that is neither pride nor conceit, but an emotion of its own. Is their such an emotion as inspiration? I wonder if others that have been described as inspirational feel the same way.
Jas is not the only one to say to me that I have inspired them and each time I am embarrassed and humbled but at the same time it lifts me and gives me the inspiration to keep going, to keep achieving in my own little way.
(On a slight tangent: I watched the sunset this evening from the 18th floor lift lobby of my hotel. It was spectacular. My eye was drawn across the city by the River Torrens that weaved its way threw the city to the ocean. In the distance I could make out the coastline and then a thin strip of ocean that formed a knife-edge horizon. Waifs of cloud and criss-crossing contrails gathered in the distance as the sun slowly sank; turning the cloud first a bright yellow-gold, then a brilliant tangerine orange. I was transfixed, watchng it for a full 10 minutes and I was inspired to write.)
While I am in awe of elite atheletes, I am sure I am not inspired by them. In part, I think this arises from the fact that I am far from elite and will never be at the pointy end of any field like them (although I have won a novice short distance duathlon). They are just too far away from me in so many ways and I cannot aspire to their heights.
I am inspired by battlers though. Those who have fought adversity and won. I can achieve like them and I can aspire to be like them. One that comes to mind is a 16 year old girl that I met in the rehabilitation hospital in Melbourne. Her car had been hit by a drunk driver and her neck was broken. This left her in a full torso brace that stabilised her spine while she recovered. As soon as the physio gym opened every day, she was there and she worked as hard as she could to get strong again. She amazed the staff with her dedication and ultimately she left hospital weeks ahead of her estimated recovery date. She was a true inspiration to me as I learned to walk again and as I undertook my often painful physio to regain my leg strength. I still think about her when I run and wish she knew that she continues to be an inspiration.
Inspiration is not that simple though. In fact, there is an interesting dynamic between myself and those who say that I inspire them. You see, I don't consider myself to be inspirational. Call me egotistical, but what I am doing is completely selfish and is about what the achievement does for me and not for others. However, when people say that I am an inspiration I am somehow inspired to continue what I am doing. The other day Jas Wadsworth sent a blog post to a list of his cycling mates and asked them to read it as he found it to be inspirational. When I read Jas's email, I was truly moved that Jas would have felt strongly enough to pass it on, so much so that I shed a tear or two. So, when others feel inspired by me this lifts me and spurs me on to achieve even more. Those inspired by me are an inspiration to me. This is an emotional response that is neither pride nor conceit, but an emotion of its own. Is their such an emotion as inspiration? I wonder if others that have been described as inspirational feel the same way.
Jas is not the only one to say to me that I have inspired them and each time I am embarrassed and humbled but at the same time it lifts me and gives me the inspiration to keep going, to keep achieving in my own little way.
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