Fade to black...

As you will have gathered from the posts from the previous week or so, things have been a little bit emotional for me lately. I had planned to write this particular post (a continuation from The fun begins...) earlier in the week, but my emotions were a bit fraught and I decided to leave it until things settled down for me. I've had a few extra days to reflect on this particular part of my story and these reflections have been intensified by the fact that Carleen is out of town and this particular part of the story is about our relationship.

I hate being away from Carleen! We have been in a relationship for almost 23 years and we have lived together since we were married in September 1992 (18 years this year) and I find it incredibly difficult when we are apart. I don't know what I would do if I ever lost her. She's only been away for three days and already I am completely exhausted because I loath going to bed without her so I delay my bedtime for several hours just so I can go to sleep relatively quickly.

Part of me thinks that this response to Carleen's absence is related to that fateful day in August 2001 and in particular to the episode that I am about to recount. Sadly, my recollection of the details relating to the exact timing of events and the conversations that I had are a little fuzzy. The emotions, though, are as if they were happening right now...

21 August 2001, about 9:30am

"Carleen, Carleen... I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!", I sob, barely managing to get the words out. Carleen touches me and I momentarily feel safe and secure. What a huge sense of relief. Thank goodness, she is here! Then, BANG, I am overwhelmed with an uncontrollable panic. Suddenly this whole thing is not about me. What have I done!?! What have I done!?! I've shattered our dreams and destroyed Carleen's life. Our baby... what is this going to do to our baby? I might never be a part of his or her life. How can this be?

What if I am paralysed? What if Carleen has to care for me for the rest of my life? How could I have been so selfish to do this to her and why now when she is going to need me the most?

I grip Carleen's hand as tight as I can, I don't want to let her go! I never want to let her go! I want her to know how much I love her and how sorry I am for what has just happened, but there are no words to describe how deeply my love runs. Words are so meaningless when you are faced with the very real possibility that you are experiencing the last embrace with your true soul mate.

All the other people in the room have disappeared from my consciousness. It is just Carleen and I, and somehow the physical pain, while still very real, takes a back seat. My physical world is as big as Carleen's touch and my emotional world, the unbreakable bond between us. At once, this moment is both an eternity and fleeting moment in time, only broken by the gentle, but heart-wrenching, interruption from one of the medical staff to say that they really have to take me away now. I can't imagine how this makes Carleen feel. All I know is that my heart feels like it is being ripped from my chest. I am in despair. What if I never see her again? "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

I know I have to go and I know I have to be brave. "I will see you soon", I try to say in a reassuring voice, but its quickly followed by "I'm so sorry" and any sense of reassurance disappears. The gurney starts to move and Carleen comes with me. This is a short journey but one that is so incredibly frightening and at the end of it I know I have to let go. I don't want to let go, please don't make me let go! Our hands drift apart and we have one last embrace. "I love you Carleen. I love you..."

I am now on the darkest and loneliest journey anyone can take. My world has gone. I am vulnerable, exposed and alone, and I finally truly admit to myself that this could be the end. A mask appears above my head and everything fades to black...