Motivation Part 4 - Body Image

This is another motivation that I have been thinking about a lot over the last couple of months. Its also stimulated by a story that Katie Menzies (my old coach) emailled to me the other day about an incident she had while out training.

As I have already mentioned in this blog (see A weighty problem), I have been overweight for most of the last 25 years or so. Being run over by a truck also leaves you with the odd scar and deformity too. In fact, my longest scar is about 90 cm long, stretching about 70 percent of the way around my body. These photos show the scar just after the surgery that was designed to correct some of the deformation caused by the truck tyres, but as you can see from the photo on the right I am still assymetrical .

All this takes a bit of a toll on your self image and, while I have never been ashamed of my body or been one to hide it away, over the last 3 or 4 years I have not felt particularly proud of my body. As a result little things that I used to laugh off or include in self-depracating quips have increasingly begun to chip away at my self esteem.

I have found that comments about my weight that have come at sports events have had a particular impact. For example, a comment about my size from my boss in front of a large number of my colleagues when we were diving into a dam after the first day of the Rail Trail two years ago really made me feel bad about myself. The work colleagues (including some students) thought the comment was hillarious and laughed for some time. I, however, did not find it funny at all. There was also the time that a marshal at a triathlon in Gore asked me to step out of the transition zone when I was waiting for Michael to get off the bike. He then asked me to take off my race number as "someone might mistake me for a competitor". This made me question what I was even doing at the race, but also strengthened my resolve to do well and I went on to do a PB for 10km.

Another, on-going annoyance is the nick name 'Big Guy'. I tolerate it from those that I consider to be friends, but it really feel that it is a put down when it comes from those that are no more than acquaintances or colleagues. I might be big, but its not who I am!

Anyway, over the last two months my shape has really started to change (even if my weight has not dropped significantly) and I am taking more pride in my body. In fact, for a couple of weeks I had a complete and utter fascination with my calf muscles (especially my left one, as I have large varicose veins on my right leg). They have real definition and look quite atheletic. Every time I passed a mirror when I had shorts on, I would flex them just to make the definition show. Now its my biceps and shoulders. Call me vain if you want to, but it makes me feel good about myself.

I am still misshapen and I still have a belly and moobs (man-boobs), but at least I can suck in my gut and I am starting to be able to flex my moobs. My moobs (Michael calls them my 'sausage tits') are a big source of motivation. I want to get rid of them and I want look atheletic as well as be athletic. The more my shape improves, the more my self-image improves, the more I desire a healthier athletic physique.